October Light's 450 mg Experience

FRIDAY 1/30/98 - 8:14 PM, took 360 mg on full stomach (Chinese food). (12 Drixoral Cold & Cough Liquicaps)

9:00 PM - Nothing

9:30 PM - Still nothing

9:45 PM - Very slight "weird" feeling. Slightly loopy & tingly, seemingly centered in head, more or less. Very slight alteration in thought & slight intensification of music. But very slight.

10:30 - Same as above. Still not sure if I'm really feeling anything, except a slight tingling in scalp & extremities.

11:30 - Very disappointed for most of past several hours. Little or no effect except tingly scalp & extremities & perhaps a slight intensification of music - possibly placebo effect and in any case nothing close to pot or nitrous oxide. No discernible change in mood, affect, thought processes, interior perceptions, etc. No "inner" experience at all. Also no difference in visuals & nothing noticeable re: movement/motor skills/ locomotion. Essentially a non-experience, or almost that.

SATURDAY 1/31/98 - Took 450 mg in form of 15 Drixoral Liquitabs at 7:37 PM. No dinner yet, only a light lunch at 2:00 PM consisting of fat-free, sugar-free frozen yogurt and a fat-free, sugar-free brownie.

After dosing, sat down to read & listen to music.

8:08 PM - Sudden scalp tingles & random chills along lower legs & back of neck. As if a ghost had just entered the room. Tingling in extremities.

8:09 - Slight nausea

8:12 - Generally, a slightly weird feeling - somewhat heavy or sluggish - or at least, my movements feel peculiar. Also, an odd feeling in the head - not quite a headache, not quite a feeling of pressure, and not quite an alteration of thought or awareness - but something like all of these, yet still very faint. A sense of something "coming on"; a train is coming down these tracks. Also, some queasiness in stomach.

This feeling is increasing noticeably by 8:14 - a mounting sense that something odd is coming on, physically (legs, arms, and head) - and mentally. First sense that thought processes are altering slightly. Also, mild nausea. Should I eat something to try to settle my stomach?

8:16 - Looked in mirror: VERY pronounced dilation of eyes. "Wow." Definite mental/physical changes occurring. Trying to eat 2 "Toddlers" (hard, dry sugar-free seed-cookies from Todd's frozen yogurt stand). Very dry mouth.

8:19 - "Kinda stoned". Also, kinda queasy. Mouth extremely dry. Still trying to finish first "Toddler", usually one of my favorite snacks. Tasteless,like sand, tonight; no appetite.

8:24 - To the kitchen for a Diet Coke. Uncoordinated. Feel peculiar. Can't quite imagine actually being able to drink the Diet Coke or eat the second "Toddler". Just want to sit. Feeling sick. Not entirely a pleasant experience.

8:30 - Extreme nausea. (Ran to bathroom and vomited in middle of writing word "nausea".)

8:32 - Vomited. Little to bring up from empty stomach. After vomiting, the nausea continues; hot flashes; all-over body itches; tingles; I'm scratching my chest, my arms, my scalp, all at once! Hot & itchy & nauseous - THIS is the experience I wanted?

8:34 - Vomited again & several dry heaves. Little to come up.

By 8:35 I feel better, though stomach still seems on a hair-trigger reflex.
(Over the next 2 or 3 minutes it seems as if something has changed. I suddenly feel alright.)

8:37 - **SO**, obviously, this is kicking in. My eyes aren't quite focusing properly, making reading difficult. Besides, don't really feel like reading any more; stuff's starting to go on. For the moment, at least, the nausea has passed & I feel fine. I think this experience is settling in & "downloading" itself slowly into my brain. Odd tension at back of neck. Thought is definitely different, but can't explain how. Not like cannabis or nitrous. So far, I'm not noticing anything with music. Lightheadedness. Slight/mild dizziness (8:42).

8:45 - I'm noticing I can't read very well & my spelling is deteriorating. Words look peculiar. A common word - but is that really how you spell it? I'm getting a bit fucked up here. Some part of the brain that keeps track of spelling is out of whack: also, eyes aren't focusing very well. Words & sense are beginning to separate: Here, language; There, meaning. 2 different realms. Not the same. I find myself repeating/obsessing over meanings and spellings. Everything is shifting in my head - shifting from one meaning to another.

8:47 - Slight nausea again. Eyes still blurry.

8:50 - Eyes closed; listening to music. Time to "go inside." An odd state of awareness, different from cannabis & nitrous. I feel sedated & opiated. Don't want to move. Feel thick. Feel dreamy. As if in a lucid dream. Consciousness - it's peculiar. ( Suddenly the very fact of consciousness itself seems peculiar. Funny.) In and out of almost simultaneous states of awareness or points of view about awareness itself - various awarenesses about awareness. Almost like in a dream where you know you're in a dream dreaming that you're in a dream in which you are aware that you are dreaming that you're in a dream - and so on.

Cool graphics when I close my eyes! Imagery, like hypnagogic images - I just saw a purple/red/blue glowing figure that looked like a plant from a different planet, tendrils alive and spiraling around itself - then the tendrils became arms and I realized it wasn't a plant, it was a sentient being, a space alien like a plant-man - faintly threatening --& then the image evolved into a robot spaceship and then all kinds of shifting geometric 3-D shapes rotating and mutating in space like a kaleidoscope. Yet these aren't hallucinations; I know they aren't real, just fantastic imagery being generated behind my eyelids. Fun to watch. Almost interactive.

9:06 - As if my body were stilled. Body feels detached - no, that's not right; feels flattened, one-dimensional. In a slightly different matrix of existence, slightly "off", from the one where the mind operates. Legs feel light & heavy at same time - flat, lacking feeling, as if made of paper - bundles of paper, thick, solid, but light & dry - while my mind is off in multi-dimensional space, turning slowly, like a star.

9:11 - Time seems to be slowing down.

9:00 -- 10:00 - Interior processing. As if my mind has become somehow crystalline, like that pure October light that pours out of the sky and transforms everything - so that nothing is changed but everything is perceived differently. I'm looking at structures - structures of my mind, structures of my consciousness (can't spell any more- is that wrong or right?, structures of my life - why do I attach so much meaning to THIS, or THIS? Ideas - fixations - structures - invisible boundaries I have set for myself - all are somehow becoming intangibly visible in this odd October light of the mind. As if a "reveal codes" command had been given to the psyche. Calm & lucid. Clear & looking-through-it -- correct word: perceptive - the quality of directing awareness toward a thing. Rambling. Can't use words coherently any more. Yet very calm. No uncontrollable euphoria, no sudden surges of emotion. An odd detachment. A clinical high. A clear processing. A clear pool - my mind right now. October light. Clear, cool, calm, lucid, still. Scientific or philosophical, this experience, not poetic. Cannabis: poetic. It brings connections-links-permutations-creative tangents-wordplay-playfulness. Sparks, surges, surprises. This: clear, calm, like x-ray vision into the self. A diagnostic high. "Have a look at yourself. Here's your life; let's shine the light on it." October light of the mind.

9:45 - Words don't make sense any more. Words seem like freeze-dried thoughts. Rearrange them; look at them; shake them; test them for meaning. Who's living in there? Not interested in the dry body of the words - interested in the light flickering behind - the meaning.

10:00 - Stomach quite calm. No hunger. Feels like I SHOULD be hungry, but as if the hunger has been excised - removed.
Very stoned.
Odd "crick" at the back of the neck. Still some tingling in legs. Cool now - was hot before - temperature regulation seems to be awry? Can't tell how loud the music is. Is it too loud? Seems to be coming in through the skin - as if it were a different medium, not sound. Like water. The music is like water - how could it bother the neighbors? Flash on an old Robt Bly poem: "and our skin shall see far off, as it does under water." That's how the music seems - like I'm immersed in it, semi-permeable.

-Odd repetitions of letters when writing. A "u" turns into a "w" - "11" becomes "111" - etc. Motor skills deteriorating? Eyes out of focus? Or some reiteration center in the brain being stimulated, a neural site affected? That's what it feels like. Connection here: Everything seems to be caught in a stutter-repetion. Stutter-motion of body, stutter-talking, stutter-writing- Clumps of disconnected actions - as if links are severed.

10:04 - Got up to turn heat up. I can hardly walk! Legs don't seem to work. Lurched, as if on stilts. Spastic. Virtually immobile - only quasi-corporeal.

10:17 - Got up to answer phone. Odd! Don't know how to describe this locomotion. I meant to run to phone, to catch it before it went to answering machine, but couldn't run - ended up almost hopping - as if each action were disconnected from the others - a series of fast, unconnected lurches. Then on the phone - couldn't make sentences! Astonishing! Could NOT make myself say strings of more than 2 or 3 words coherently - I understood everything & was formulating clear sentences in my head - and I can scribble still - but could not get teeth, tongue, & larynx to get them out - could only say chopped-up words, like a person who had just been waked up & was groping for thoughts. But my thoughts were clear, I just couldn't talk. Well, SORT of clear - warped, but crystalline. Everything registered but seemed surreal.

It seems as if everything is happening in strobe-light fashion - in surges or flashes. Disconnected moments of awareness. Words come in clumps, with inexplicable disconnects or gaps in between. Same for locomotion. A sudden lurch forward - a neural disconnect, an unplugging, a pause - Then another lurch. The connection between these things is that they all involve the disconnection of normal links in the brain.

A different kind of mental experience than cannabis. Cannabis high is fluid, flamboyant, floral, flowing - This is clear, cold, crystalline. I'm alliterating! (Didn't mean to.) Odd. Another variety of repetition or clumping.

10:25 - Trying to eat second "Toddler". Can't do it! Tastes like sawdust, an alien substance, & jaws feel like a plastic machine not really connected to my being. I'm putting it down half-eaten. Disconnected from the body, yet still attached. Semi-corporeal.

11:08 - I feel as if the experience is beginning to descend from its peak, but let me note the following: (1) Time is definitely slower - at 11:00 I looked at the clock, thinking it would be 2 in the morning - was astonished to see 11:00. Now it seems another long stretch has passed. Off I went on a revery with the music for those 8 minutes and it seemed like hours had passed. (2) Music is definitely enhanced but not as with cannabis or nitrous - not quite in that way. More like the sounds become sharper, finer, tinglier, more crystalline, & the structure of the music stands out. The hidden instrument or voice in the back corner of the mix, which you had never noticed before, now jumps out at you and becomes a recurring or defining element through the song - etc.

I have not experienced the euphoria that I get from cannabis, or the heady rush and WHOA! that you get from nitrous - the "affect" is different. That is a key difference.

11:20 - Absentmindedness about time, that's it. It SEEMS like more time has passed; you've already confirmed to yourself that it really hasn't, that's it's still early - but you keep forgetting, you have a short-term memory loss, you are absentminded & slip back into that belief that it's late. You look up and are surprised all over again - "It's only 11:20 - oh, that's right, I knew it was still early - guess I forgot - anyway, it seems like hours ago when I saw that it was early - Funny that's it's still early even all this time later - or did I just forget to think about time and somehow that MADE time take a pause?" Almost seems as if you could change the pace or existence of time by changing the structure of your awareness - you can ALMOST figure out the link between time and mind, then it slips away.

11:36 - Same thing. What? It isn't 2 AM? But I knew that - must have forgotten - seems so long ago when I last looked. (More disassociation/severing/stuttering - one moment disconnected from those around it.)

12:30 - Physical coordination returning, but still not normal. Still lurching around a bit. Still high, but the peak is long past - that pure October light is gone, the mental x-ray machine has been turned off, just the gentle descent left. Still getting images behind my eyes, but not as vivid now. Also, time is slowly going back to normal. Now I'll finally put some food in my stomach. (Oddly, not really hungry though - the "hunger switch" is still off, I guess.

Looking forward to exploring this more next weekend. I've got the feeling there's a lot more to be learned here.

-October Light

1998 The Third Plateau
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